'It felt like someone put my heart into a blender': Widower says he would get back together with his late wife if he could in front of his 2nd wife and the mother of his 2 children and her friends

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Jan 26, 2025 3:00 PM EST

If you had to choose between marrying a widow/widower or a divorcé/divorceé, a lot of people would prefer the former. Knowing that they have no option ever to go back to their ex can be reassuring, even if it's for the most tragic reason. It also shows that a potential partner can commit to marriage but has no history of choosing a partner that is wrong for them.

One might think that a divorced person brings a lot of emotional baggage from their previous relationship, but widowers do as well. They might spend years not dating or even considering marriage because they are still in love with someone who is not in the earthly realm. It's difficult to compare to an idealized image of the deceased because they aren't here, can't serve as a real voice of reason, nor can they share their posthumous approval of any relationship. 

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  • The husband at the center of this story is still living in fantasyland. Although his late wife passed away 11 years ago, he still fantasizes about what it would be like if she came back to him. Worse yet, he talks about these fantasies in front of his current wife and the mother of his two children.

  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10459189504
    via Gabriel Ponton (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 02

    AITAH for being mad at my husband for saying he would pick his deceased wife over me?

    My (34F) husband (37M) was married once before me. She was his high school sweetheart. They started dating their junior year, survived long distance during college, and got married when they were both 23 very shortly
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 03
    after graduating college. She passed away unexpectedly at age 26 from an aneurism and it obviously devastated him, especially because they were extremely young. They never had children.
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 04
    He contemplated remarrying because he was so heartbroken, but we ended up meeting about four years after that. We got married when I was 31 and he was 34 and have two children.
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 05
    Last night, we were at a friend potluck gathering. Everything was going well until one of our friends brought up a new topic that had to do with relationships. She is newly divorced, so it was about her divorce.
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 06
    Others were chiming in with past relationships from high school, college, etc. I had said I never thought I would get married because my luck with men has always been terrible until I met my husband and I said I felt very lucky to have met him.
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 07
    After a little while longer, my husband brings up his deceased wife. Everyone knows he was married before me and that she passed. He was talking about her and then drops a bomb and goes "If she walked through that front door right now, I'd pick up where we left off"
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 08
    To avoid making a scene, I just laughed it off even though I think it was still obvious that it hurt me.
    via u/No-Context7758
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    Cheezburger Image 10459189760
    via Gabriel Ponton (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    If I am being honest, it felt like someone put my heart into a blender and punched me in the gut as hard as they could. Everyone in the room could sense the awkwardness that followed.
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 11
    It's now the next morning and I barely slept. He is still sleeping. I'm not really sure what to say or what he will say
    via u/No-Context7758
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    After the gathering, we left and I did not speak to him the entire car ride home or barely the entire night. I did tell him that what he said hurt my feelings deeply and that we could talk in the morning once I've calmed down because I didn't want to say something mean to him. I ended up sleeping on the couch because he would not leave me alone.
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 13
    I just felt that if you still felt that way, then why are we married? I've never asked him to get over his wife. I have never had a deceased spouse or even a deceased partner, so I am unsure how that feels. But I would never SAY that in front of my new spouse.
    via u/No-Context7758
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    Cheezburger Image 10459190016
    via Gabriel Ponton (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 15
    IIIChampionship5 Oof. That would gut anyone. He should have kept that thought unspoken forever.
    via u/IIIChampionship5
  • 16
    Informal_Buffalo2032 Just reading this felt like a gut punch. Poor OP, and in front of people too.
    via u/Informal_Buffalo2032
  • 17
    biengaah Exactly, what he said wasn't just thoughtless, it was downright disrespectful to her marriage. Grief for his late wife doesn't excuse making a public statement that invalidates her relationship.
    via u/biengaah
  • 18
    ASweetTweetRose I applaud her for not crying. I think I would have just immediately had tears running down my face after that.
    via u/ASweetTweetRose
  • 19
    NunyahBiznez It was downright cruel. If he wasn't ready to move on, he had zero business getting remarried, let alone bringing children into the world with, with anyone else.
    via u/NunyahBiznez
  • 20
    streetcar-cin Disrespectful to wife and family. Op please find counseling. I don't know if marriage can survive this
    via u/streetcar-cin
  • 21
    your_average_plebian Grief is one thing, and valid in its own right, but it's been 11 years, from what I'm seeing. This man needs help and he needs to seek it himself without using OP as a crutch or placeholder. He would abandon their two children for the wife he never grew old with. What a garbage human he is.
    via u/your_average_plebian
  • 22
    reddolfo All true but the key point isn't that it's cruel, the key.point is that it's TRUE. Straight up. Can't walk that back now. I could never get over that one personally.
    via u/reddolfo
  • 23
    definitelytheA As a widow, I agree. You cannot forget that love, and it's okay to talk about them as part of your life, but you don't harp on about how no other love could compare. What he said is inexcusably cruel.
    via u/definitelytheA
  • 24
    A better choice of phrasing would be, "I'm lucky to have had her, and I feel luckier still to have (current wife). I've been blessed to have someone who stands by me, graciously understands and supports me, and has given me a safe place to find new love."
    via u/definitelytheA
  • 25
    Lyzab77 The first thing to know is that there's a difference between a widower and a divorced man. The widower lost a person he was in love with and after years, the image of the lost one shines more than the reality. But NTA in this case because we can love several persons like I love my husband but I also love my
    via u/Lyzab77
  • 26
    children. He still loves the image of his deceased wife but he loves you. The problem here: he SAID in front of your friends that he would leave with her if she appears. After all these years, it was not the moment, not the place, and it was disrespectful to make it public. You have the right to feel angry
    via u/Lyzab77
  • 27
    No-Context7758 OP Yes. Like I said, I would never ask him to get over her or forget her. She di d. Realistically, if she hadn't, they could still be together with a family. But I would've kept that thought to myself!!
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 28
    No-Context7758 OP Not sure if anyone will see this. But I have to get my day started. My husband is awake and we spoke for about two minutes. We will be speaking after I drop our son off at daycare and after he has this Zoom meeting. Please wish me luck
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 29
    No_Half_4154 You're NTA, your husband is though. What he said wasn't just hurtful, but also disrespectful especially with the fact that others were around. You don't have to feel like your anger/hurt is unjustified just because you didn't go through what he went through. Just because someone went through something hard it doesn't mean that they have the right to hurt others around them.
    via u/No_Half_4154
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    No-Context7758 OP It was honestly embarrassing as much as it was hurtful
    via u/No-Context7758
  • 31
    Horror-Friendship-30 I was widowed young. Your husband is in love with a memory, and needs therapy. It's easy to hold her on a pedestal because she can't ever do anything wrong going forward. He can mourn the life he didn't have, but shouldn't hurt those that are in the life he chose to have afterward. It seems intentional that he hurt you in front of all your friends. NTA. Tell your husband that you either get joint marriage counseling, or he can go find wife #3 to hurt.
    via u/Horror-Friendship-30
  • 32
    SaucyGooner79 Several years ago, my husband made a comment about our marriage that completely broke my heart. I spent months deciding if I could forgive him and move forward, and after a lot of tough discussions with myself, I decided I could. But I'll never forget what he said, and the love I feel for him has changed. You are absolutely NTA, but instead is someone who needs to decide if they can forgive the hurt even though you'll never forget it.
    via u/SaucyGooner79
  • 33
    Last Friend_6350 It's impossible for his wife to return and you both know that but that's such a hurtful thing to say. There are somethings you may feel but never say. Your life together is settled with two children and that should mean more to him. What was his excuse? I'm assuming that as he wouldn't leave you alone that he tried to justify what he said.
    via u/Last_Friend_6350
  • 34
    No-Context7758 OP He mostly just kept asking if we could talk and that he did not mean to say it. I'm guessing it just slipped out and he was not thinking? I am not sure
    via u/No-Context7758

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toxic husband relationship marriage marriage drama married couple wife relationship-drama married life relationships widower husband widow married toxic relationship
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